Inspiration

A few months ago, when the shit hit the fan, Mama D strongly suggested that I start therapy.  I was nervous about this because I have had some bad experiences in the past but my new therapist is AMAZING!  Yesterday we talked about how scary my recent slips in energy and happiness have been. 

You wouldn’t recognize me if you meet me 1.5 years ago.  I wore my self-loathing quite literally on my sleeve.  I would go days without bathing, brushed my teeth maybe once a day, I didn’t wear make-up, my hair was long and messy and I dressed in unflattering clothing with holes and stains in them.  I hid from the world and made sure the world had no want to come to me. 

Then I became a parent to a teenager almost overnight and I realized how she started to mimic me. I was horrified.  Something changed within me and I decided to make a change.  I purchased make-up (which was quite comical because I had no idea how to use most of it), I cut my hair short so I was forced to style it (again quite comical), I started a hygiene routine everyday which included showering, facial scrubs, flossing, moisturizing, etc.  I went to a nice plus size clothing store and for the first time ever splurged on clothing which I liked and I felt good in. 

In January I took it a step further and decided to lose weight, and after a few months even added working out. Taking care of myself motivated me and with that my house was cleaner than ever and I felt so much happier. 

In past few weeks things have slipped. First the working out, then I stopped flossing, then I stopped moisturizing, and when my hair grew out some I am wearing it up more and more often. The house is getting messier, and my energy has been almost nonexistent. Then with the gain the week before last I was terrified I was slipping even more. 

My therapist, in all her glory didn’t understand what impact these small changes were having on me.  She didn’t know the sloppy me; she didn’t know the 258 pound me.  She wouldn’t be able to help me through this cause she wasn’t with me along the journey.

So I have spent a lot past few days trying to figure out how to get me back to where I belong.  I need to feel motivated again.  I cut my hair so I am forced to do my hair each morning,  I threw away all my baggy torn clothes so even at my worst I will look decent.  I am trying to get back in my night time self care routine. 

Another thing which seems to have disappeared was my constant search and reading of fellow weight loss blogs. I am a blog addict since I started reading about doing foster care in 2007 and with each new life endeavor I always found information, inspiration and motivation in the blogosphere. 

In the beginning I was like a starving wolf and devoured blog after blog soaking up their stories and their joy and energy that shined from their blog pages.  While I still follow a few (Shout out to Rae Rae J, Tiffany, Sarah and Mina); I stopped searching for new bloggers, I stopped seeking out new recipes and new inspirations.  So starting today my new search has begin. If you can recommend a good weight loss blog, or have your own you would like to share please post it in the comments.