From a 42.9 BMI to a 32.9 BMI

Current weight: 198.0 pounds

Starting weight: 258 pounds
Down: -.8 pounds
Total loss: - 60 pounds
Goal weight: 140 pounds
Total to lose: 58 pounds

GOALS:

60 pounds gone: Completed 8/24/2012

25% Body Weight Gone:  -4.5 pounds to go

70 pounds gone: -10 pounds to go
Overweight BMI (179): -19 pounds to go

Scuba Diving Lessons (165) – 33 pounds

My biggest focus and struggle lately has been about controlling how much I eat during the meal. I am pretty good about not eating unless I feel hunger signs, but once I start eating I realize I have eaten to much far too late.

My biggest issue has been how quickly I consume my food. As a child I remember my mom always reminding me that dinner was not a race.  I have curbed this issue fairly well at major meals. At dinner I use a small plate and serve myself reasonable portions. For lunch and breakfast and I only bring what I need and don’t tempt myself with snacks and extra portions.

My main struggle has been snacks, potlucks, and restaurants.   For example, I went to IHOP last night with the family and got an omelet.  By the time I starting paying attention to what I was doing I had inhaled 2/3^rd of the omelet and 1 ½ pancakes.  I knew a overate the moment I became conscience of my food and felt horrible the rest of the evening and even this morning. 

I know the tools I can use to fix this.  At restaurants, ask for a box when the meal comes and decide what portion I want to eat and box the rest up.  For snacks, I should place a single serving on a napkin or in a bowl and eat from that.  I just don’t think of these options until it is way too late.

In happier news, we have my daughter back at home now.  She was gone a total of 13 days and it was horrible! We had a meeting with her therapist as well as with a social worker as we are trying to get her on to the ‘At Risk Youth’ petition our state offers.  The ARY petition would be a really good thing to have in place but we have discovered that we will have to dish out $1,000 initially and then another $1,000 every three months to keep it in place.  All of these costs are to cover her public defender. So frustrating that I will have to pay so much to the courts so I can have another protection to keep my daughter safe at home! Luckily we have a few attorney friends who will do our end so we don’t have to worry about paying for two attorneys. 

My Body is a Onederland

Current weight: 198.8 pounds

Starting weight: 258 pounds
Week lost count: -4.2 pounds
Total loss: - 59.2 pounds
Goal weight: 140 pounds
Total to lose: 58.8 pounds

GOALS:

Below 200 pounds by end of summer: Completed on 8/17/2012

 CHEESEBURGER!!!!!!: Completed on 8/17/2012 (consumption of burger is planned for tomorrow)  
Halfway mark: Completed 8/17/2012
60 pounds gone: -0.8 pounds to go
Overweight BMI (179): -19.8 pounds to go

Scuba Diving Lessons (165) – 33.8 pounds

I AM SO SORRY I DISAPPEARED. I swear life just keeps coming at me at warp speed….with Klingons and The Borg thrown in for good measure.  Happy dance for me for having entered Onederland.  For a little while I wasn’t sure if I was going to EVER make it.

On this weight loss journey, it thought I prepared myself pretty well for what I would expect.  What I wasn’t expecting was how SCARY becoming a thin person would be.  I seriously was having an identity crisis.  I had identified as this obese person for so long, that the idea I am no longer the elephant in the room was intimidating.

As a large person, I was use to being a fly on the wall. People didn’t make eye contact often, rarely held doors for me, strangers didn’t pick up conversations at random. Now all these things are happening and I don’t know how to handle it.

I had/have the hardest time accepting my accomplishment. I keep expecting to see 258 on the scale or for my clothes to not fit, or to look in the mirror and see what I use to.  I spent the last month all over scale, going up to 206 and down to 198.8.  I needed this time to find myself.  To become familiar and okay with the smaller me and prepare myself once again for the remaining 58.8 pounds I will lose. 

On another note, I am hoping you all can keep my oldest daughter in your thoughts. She ran last Thursday.  We have heard from people that they have seen her in our immediate area but she is refusing to come home.  She is filled with the emotional tornado which is being a teenager as well as processing the years of trauma she faced before she came to live with us and she is scared. The only way she knows how to cope is to run. I only hope she finds her way back home.

On happier note!! I went zip-lining a few weeks ago. So something I would have NEVER done 59.2 pounds ago.  Here is a picture of us right before we zipped off a huge tower over a lake. 

A Reason Not To Weigh Daily

I got into the horrible habit of weighing myself multiple times a day again.  As always it is all good and motivating until...well.....it isn’t.  Yesterday was a perfect example. I decide to weight myself and I see:  203.4 

I liked this weight cause it was evening, which meant my morning weight (which is what I consider my ‘real weight’)  would most likely be in the 202’s.

A few minutes later I use the restroom and because I am all sorts of special I decided to weight myself again to see what if I was lower:

After restroom weight:  204.8

Okay how was it possible in a span of 10 minutes and 1 bathroom break for me to gain 1.4 pounds? SERIOUSLY!!! After weighing myself several times in succession I get the same weight.  So I shrug it off as a scale issue.

I leave for a few minutes to get the kids entertained while I decide to take a quick shower.  I decide to weigh myself again to see if the scale was done be silly.

Before shower weight: 205

So now I am super frustrated. How is it possible to continue gaining weight if I haven’ ingested anything.  I jump out of the shower and dry my hair and decide I will do one last final weigh in to see if the scale has stopped being STUPID!!

After shower weight in: 205.4 WTF!!!!!

So in a period of 30 minutes, I gained two pounds without drinking or eating a thing. SERIOUSLY!!!

You think I would have learned my lesson…right…….WRONG.

So this morning I get up still thinking about the stupid scale and decide to weight myself. I see 203 which while there was no loss, at least I wasn’t up.  I brush my teeth and decide just for shits and giggles to give the scale another go. I see 203.4 pop up and I curse profusely and kick the scale in turn stubbing my toe.

Mama D thinks the scale just needs new batteries but I think the scale is secretly sabotaging my sanity.

Back on the Wagon

Current weight: 203 pounds

Starting weight: 258 pounds
Week 27: -3.8 pounds
Total loss: - 55 pounds
Goal weight: 140 pounds
Total to lose: 63 pounds

GOALS:

Below 200 pounds by end of summer: -3.1 pounds in 6 weeks (.53 pounds a week) CHEESEBURGER!!!!!!: -3.1 pounds
Halfway mark: -4 pounds
60 pounds gone: -5 pounds
Overweight BMI: -24 pounds

What I have learned this week is that I had a program that worked. Why I starting changing things is beyond me. This loss was redeeming. It made me realize I hadn't lost all control and that I am still in the game.

Something amazing just happened! I took a break for a second to finish up the homemade bread I was making and I realized my stomach was making noises. It was 12pm and I had forgotten to eat anything. Here I was in the kitchen, preparing bread and getting things in the crockpot for dinner and I hadn't once thought about putting food in my mouth. All of you chronic snackers and binge eaters know how huge that is.

UPDATE: I totally have been sitting on this blog post since Sunday when I weighed in. I have tons of humorous and enlightening things to add but that will have to wait until another post. Love you all!!!!!

Scheduled Eating

Has nothing to do with the post, but the picture is so cute I had to post it.

When I am staying on plan, I stick to a pretty strict regime on when and what I eat.  I don’t mind eating the same thing for long periods of time. My recent menu has been as follows:

9:00am – Luna Bar

11:30am – Whole Wheat Sandwich thin, 2 slices turkey, ½ oz cheddar cheese, ½ tablespoon non-fat mayo, and a crap load of spinach

3:30pm – Snack

 6:30pm – Dinner (last night was 4 oz chicken, serving oven fries, and brussel sprouts. Tonight is Taco Salad. I use ground turkey with fresh mozzarella and eat it over a bowl of spinach with some fat free Ranch)

8:30pm – WW Toffee Ice Cream bar.

If you notice, the 3:30pm time slot is the ominous ‘snack’. I haven’t found the perfect food to fit into the time slot and I it is a constant struggle not to graze.  My favorite in the time slot use to be hummus and pretzels but I made the mistake of having my teenage daughter have a taste and a container of the stuff doesn’t last 24 hours in the house anymore. 

I also find I am ravenous at this time too, but I don’t want to spoil my dinner so I find myself roaming the house mutter to myself about how dieting sucks while unconsciously grabbing a piece or fruit here, a handful of pretzels there, a granola bar I keep hidden in the back of pantry and the next thing I know I have consumed more calories in an hour then I had the previous 8 hours.

Frustrating to the extreme.

The scale has been friendly to me all week so I am hoping to post a big loss on Sunday.  The only obstacle is going to lunch with my daughter on Saturday.  I planned a light dinner though so I should be okay.  For the first time in ages my daughter and I have the house to ourselves all weekend and we are getting so much needed mother/daughter time.  We are getting pedicures and renting a bunch of movies. Super excited!!

NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT:

I sent this picture to ‘Trainer Guy’ because it fit him and he texted back:

“While reading the last part, I started hearing the ‘Back to the Future’ theme in my head. Time travel is possible with bacon!!!”  

I love having friends with a sense of humor.

Inspiration

A few months ago, when the shit hit the fan, Mama D strongly suggested that I start therapy.  I was nervous about this because I have had some bad experiences in the past but my new therapist is AMAZING!  Yesterday we talked about how scary my recent slips in energy and happiness have been. 

You wouldn’t recognize me if you meet me 1.5 years ago.  I wore my self-loathing quite literally on my sleeve.  I would go days without bathing, brushed my teeth maybe once a day, I didn’t wear make-up, my hair was long and messy and I dressed in unflattering clothing with holes and stains in them.  I hid from the world and made sure the world had no want to come to me. 

Then I became a parent to a teenager almost overnight and I realized how she started to mimic me. I was horrified.  Something changed within me and I decided to make a change.  I purchased make-up (which was quite comical because I had no idea how to use most of it), I cut my hair short so I was forced to style it (again quite comical), I started a hygiene routine everyday which included showering, facial scrubs, flossing, moisturizing, etc.  I went to a nice plus size clothing store and for the first time ever splurged on clothing which I liked and I felt good in. 

In January I took it a step further and decided to lose weight, and after a few months even added working out. Taking care of myself motivated me and with that my house was cleaner than ever and I felt so much happier. 

In past few weeks things have slipped. First the working out, then I stopped flossing, then I stopped moisturizing, and when my hair grew out some I am wearing it up more and more often. The house is getting messier, and my energy has been almost nonexistent. Then with the gain the week before last I was terrified I was slipping even more. 

My therapist, in all her glory didn’t understand what impact these small changes were having on me.  She didn’t know the sloppy me; she didn’t know the 258 pound me.  She wouldn’t be able to help me through this cause she wasn’t with me along the journey.

So I have spent a lot past few days trying to figure out how to get me back to where I belong.  I need to feel motivated again.  I cut my hair so I am forced to do my hair each morning,  I threw away all my baggy torn clothes so even at my worst I will look decent.  I am trying to get back in my night time self care routine. 

Another thing which seems to have disappeared was my constant search and reading of fellow weight loss blogs. I am a blog addict since I started reading about doing foster care in 2007 and with each new life endeavor I always found information, inspiration and motivation in the blogosphere. 

In the beginning I was like a starving wolf and devoured blog after blog soaking up their stories and their joy and energy that shined from their blog pages.  While I still follow a few (Shout out to Rae Rae J, Tiffany, Sarah and Mina); I stopped searching for new bloggers, I stopped seeking out new recipes and new inspirations.  So starting today my new search has begin. If you can recommend a good weight loss blog, or have your own you would like to share please post it in the comments.

Down Down Down Down

Current Weight: 206.8

Starting Weight: 258
Week 26: - 0.8 pounds

Total lost: - 51.2
Goal Weight: 140
Total to lose: 66.8 pounds to go

GOALS:
- Below 200 pounds by end of summer: -6.9 pounds to go in 7 weeks (0.98 pounds a week).

- CHEESBURGER!!!!  -6.9 pounds to go

- HALFWAY MARK!!!:  -7.8 Pounds to go

- 60 pounds gone: -8.8 pounds to go

- Overweight BMI: -27.8 pounds to go

- 40 pounds gone: (Complete on 5/13/2012)
- Another 10%: (Complete on 6/10/2012)
- 50 pounds gone: (Complete on 6/10/2012)

Super excited to see a downward trend again this month.  Seeing a loss has really helped increase my motivation. 

The pictures from the Fourth of July posted on FB earlier this week and they were a wake-up call.  In a few of the pictures I could really see the weight loose and I loved them, but most of the pictures showed the remaining weight I had to lose.  While I am grateful for every ounce of the 51.2 pounds I have lost, it is still nerve racking to face the remaining 66.8 pounds.

While we tend to keep the party guests to close friends and family, Mama D asked if she could invite an attorney who works for her firm to come as well. I had heard a lot about him via Mama D but had never met him. I knew Mama D wanted to make a good impression so I made sure to introduce them to the guests and make sure there were entertained throughout the evening.  I left the attorney and his girlfriend for a few minutes and during this time apparently my daughter’s very naïve friend went up to our guest and asked him quietly if he was a vampire. 

Now in her defense this man looks freakishly like Edward Cullen’s doppelganger.   SWEAR TO GOD! He has the complexion, hair, and even has these unbelievable golden eyes.  I had to restrain my friend from going up to introduce himself by saying “Mr.  Patterson, I presume.”

I was mortified!!!! Luckily said attorney, with all of his southern charm, laughed it off.  When my daughter’s friend commented about how much he looked like the Hollywood vampire, he reportedly said “No, the vampire looks like me as I am older.” 

Despite being accused of being one of the undead, he and his girlfriend graciously accepted our dinner invitation later in the month.  I have already made arrangements that no children or teenagers will be present, lol. 

I know the story had nothing to do about weight loss but I had to share it, it was equal parts embarrassing and amusing.