Monday, April 23, 2012

The Ugliness Inside

Every time I step on the scale, I think I am going to see 258 pounds again. 
Every time I make a good food choice there is a nagging voice in the back telling me that it is inevitable that I will eventually give up.
Every time I lift weights or get on my elliptical I feel like I am pretending to be a person who exercises.
When will I stop feeling like a person pretending to lose weight and make a life change? When will I become the person I working so hard to be?
I have worked ridiculously hard the past two weeks and have lost 7.2 pounds but instead of pride I feel confusion and fear.  I feel like somehow my body is playing a trick on me,  that tomorrow I will step on the scale and will gained it all back. 
As I commented on a fellow bloggers blog earlier today, I have the attention span of a gnat, and the fact that I have stuck with this weight loss plan for 17 weeks is mind blowing.  I feel stronger and more motivated in my weight loss than I did on the first week but part of me is still waiting for me to revert to my old eating habits. 
I just need to shake this old me off. I am not her anymore.  I care about myself, I care about how I look, I care about how my children perceive me, I care about being  good role model for them. The time for excess and Russian roulette with my health is over.

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